Indulge me for a moment to tell you how I feel. Past the cultural lie that “I’m fine” … this is where I’m really at.
When the vision is large and the goal seems miles away I become lost in the in-between. I lose sight. I lose heart. It all quickly goes downhill. I’m sprinting at the beginning, crawling in the middle and somehow manage to pull myself over the finish line. It is a serious flaw in my personality, a weakness that sometimes undermines my strengths.
Some goals seem so far away I’ve all but given up hope, thrown in the towel, ready to proclaim myself forever single and misunderstood with no knight riding in to save the day. Other dreams have their corner staked out in the recesses of my brain, like having a greeting card line, but I haven’t seemed to find the umph to extract it from thought and implemented into reality.
Returning to Ukraine, however, is always in sight of my mind’s eye, yet logic and insecurities scream obscenities in my ear. Tears seem to forever be pushing to spill past the lidded dams that struggle to contain their salty captives. It seems so close yet still utterly unattainable.
Admittedly I’ve somewhat gone into hiding. Applications for employment have gone unanswered or returned with friendly rejection. With the passing of time, my plan shattered like an unfortunate Christmas ornament that took a tumble from its prominent place on the tree and found its fall broken by a hard wood floor.
Too much time spent comparing myself to those of my peers and my culture and I feel like a failure. The truth of God as my provider seems a lot easier to grasp and accept when I’m not at home. If I’m brutally honest, I’m just depressed. It’s hard to see the point in getting out of a nice, cozy bed or changing from pj’s into real clothing when you are stuck at home hanging out with furry feline friends day after day. It’s not very world changing or inspiring.
And so asking for support feels like holding out a tin cup on a street corner and begging or playing a tired, old song off-key on a busy sidewalk. It’s annoying, easily overlooked and, frankly, I’m not a beggar. However I believe in CCX and I deeply believe in God’s plan for the students in Ukraine and for whatever insane reason God has called me there. Living in a different culture is hard and I’m not even sure I can hack it, but God has placed a love in my heart for that country and it drives me to keep trying, to keep getting up, to keep asking. Call me stubborn.
So that leaves me praying, hoping, planning, fighting against the notion that it’s all in vain because I know what I’m fighting for and they are more than worth it.