“No. But It Doesn’t Matter.”

“Do you have the courage to go alone” Mrs. Whatsit asked her.

Meg’s voice was flat. “No. But it doesn’t matter.”

A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L’Engle

This is the post where I tell you that I’m kind of a terrible missionary, because recently I haven’t really been concerned about God’s plan, but, rather, His lack of following mine.

God and I have been having a lot of conversations recently about courage and about being alone.

It will seem ironic to some, but, despite my introversion, I hate to be alone. This was well solidified recently when the family I live with all went on vacation for a week. It was great for a few hours and then I was 110% over it.

When I left Ukraine two years ago, I knew I wanted to return. I also stated, “Next time I don’t care to do it alone, thank you very much.”

About a year ago I  was asked, “But if you knew God made it clear it was time to return and you still weren’t in a significant relationship, that wouldn’t stop you from returning would it?” To which I easily replied, “Of course not,” because at the time God hadn’t said, “Hey, let’s start thinking about that return.”

But then He did and I visited in the spring for a short trip. It was like going home and plans were set in motion to make moving back a reality.

Then I came back to the US and, frankly, the last couple of months I’ve sat down on the floor and kicked and screamed and thrown my temper tantrum because there’s still no answer to that other small issue of “Please don’t make me do this alone!” I’ve selfishly pushed aside planning, budgeting, support raising because I just haven’t wanted to face this part of it.

So when I read the above words in A Wrinkle in Time last night, I cried because I could see myself so clearly in Meg’s reluctant acceptance of needing to go alone. The answer didn’t come in the way she expected. The solution wasn’t one she would prefer.

She had people that loved and supported her, but the thing that had to be done in that moment meant going alone. When questioned if she had the courage, Meg responded, “No. But it doesn’t matter.” She already knew she would do it.

There are many things that haven’t worked out the way I placed them on the imaginary map drawn out in my head. God hasn’t seemed too concerned about my timeline and plan. I guess He’s got a better one.

For now, if you ask me if I have the courage to live alone overseas again, my response is, “No. But it doesn’t matter.”

So for those who’ve asked or just been wondering about my silence on the subject:

  • Yes, I’m moving back to Ukraine to help with young adult discipleship at Living Word Church in L’viv
  • Yes, that means I could use a lot of prayer and financial support, which means I’ll be updating my contact list if you’re interested.
  • And if you know any eligible bachelors with a heart for God and Eastern Europe… I’m just saying…


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